What could be more nail-gnawing-inducingly exciting than the upcoming popularity circus that is the SUSU elections? The next few weeks will see (questionable) student democracy being excercised in its purest, rawest form.
As part of the application to a Sabb position, marketed as one of the greatest grad jobs out there (LOL), candidates are required to fill out the following form detailing their manifesto pledges, helping an apathetic electorate to make what is certainly the most critical decision of their student – or even entire – lives.
In true Tab fashion, we like to cut the corners and get straight to the nitty gritty and we’ve produced some tips for potential candidates to maximise their success by including in their manifestos some fail-safe vote-winning pledge points. Original ideas are discouraged because they could upset the status quo and any deviation from the left-of-centre SU policies.
I, [INSERT NAME HERE] hereby solemnly swear to implement the following policies should I be elected into office:
– Restore Friday nights at The Cube to their former greatness, even if it means paying people to be there.
– Encourage greater student participation with the aim of a 10% turnout at all elections and referenda. I want to give YOU a moderate and politically correct voice so we can work together for a stronger Union and tell you exactly the right way to think whilst discouraging any opposing ideas, no matter how sensible or logical they may be.
– Peacefully oppose any suggestions of further raising university fees and ensure that the Bursar’s axe doesn’t come down on any other crucial subjects. RIP, Sports Studies.
– Work closely with the AU so Southampton continues to be a major player at the national level. A third of our budget will be spent on all important “banter” lessons to help us move up the rankings.
– Simplify the Union by introducing more bureaucracy so all students are represented fairly at every level.
– Increase the existing equality quotas for each available position. Having a white, middle class man as a Student Leader is not representative. Therefore each position must feature 40 people doing exactly the same role and treading all over each other’s toes, all from varying backgrounds of gender, race, disability, religion, wealth and height.
– Make subtle jibes at inferior rivals Solent and Portsmouth as frequently as possible.
– Increase the budget for Sabb business cards and to include the slogan “I’m kind of a big deal” on the back of Sabb stash.
– Radicalise the successful food and drink trial in Hartley library by turning the whole building into a coffee shop/gastro pub. Highfield Campus is clearly a café desert, and increasing our caffeine intake is a real priority.
– Continue to pretend that Winchester Campus is just on the other side of Burgess Road.
– Continue to pretend that Winchester Campus doesn’t exist.
Bonus points are available for any candidate manifesto written in Comic Sans font, size 16. Results will be determined by the amount of Facebook friends each candidate has, how frequently they appear in Jesters/Sobar and how attractive their campaign picture is.
Voting begins on 24th February. Remember, this is YOUR choice and YOUR future.