The Soton Tab sent two of its hardest drinking and least sexually active editors to Magaluf, Mallorca to see what all the bloody fuss was about. Battle scarred and barely willing to talk about it, Patrick Donnelly & Josh Hall present a practical guide to the worst place on Earth.

1.    Asserting Dominance

Since a secret 2004 council re-instated the Transportation Act 1717, Magaluf, Mallorca has existed as a prison colony to which the UK has now been deporting northerners for 8 years. For this reason, it is essential for it to at least appear you can handle yourself.

Unfortunately if you attack passers-by you are likely to be either quite rightly arrested (police), or less rightly kidnapped, taken to the beach and seriously assaulted (Guardia Civil). This means the best way to show off what those howitzers you call arms can do is on one of the thousands of punching machines littering Magaluf.

EYE OF THE TIGER DARREN, COME ON

EYE OF THE TIGER DARREN, COME ON

Remember! If you score above 600 you can definitely take the bouncer.

2.    Socialising

Fancy the guy/girl you’re talking to, but can’t think of what to say? Just start screaming, ‘YA-YA, YAYA, YA-YA, YAYA, YA-YA TOURE’ in their face. Soon everyone around you will erupt into ritualistic song. Now simply watch any awkwardness vanish for the religious exaltation of Man City’s midfield man. Follow up with Kolo for best results.

Alternatively, you may choose to chant “Barmy Army!” or “These hoes ain’t Loyal” whenever Chris Brown comes on in the club, which by the way, is roughly 5 or 6 times a night.

Everyone chanting is getting laid tonight

Everyone chanting is getting laid tonight. Bad luck denim shorts.

Remember! The louder you chant, the bigger your penis is.

3. Don’t fall in love with promoters

Like Sirens of the Odyssey but in reverse, club promoters will be irresistibly drawn to you every 10 feet of the strip. Remember it is their job to get you talking and relieve you of all that hard earned student loan in your back pocket. They’re only flashing you so you’ll buy into a 2-hour free bar in Consuela’s Happy House & Underground Massage Parlour.

They don’t love you, they don’t care about you, and they certainly don’t want to spend the night with you. The best way to avoid them is to simply make THEM want to leave you alone. We had best results with “We’re saving money for hookers”, or simply vomiting at their feet.

4.    Acceptable Levels of Intoxication

Obviously you are going to Magaluf to do one thing, and it’s not sightseeing. We here at the Soton Tab found our sweet spot about four nights in, after a few nights of drinking inordinate amounts.The further you exceed your limits, the more likely you are to wake up in a strange place riddled with venereal disease (see below), or worse, in the hands of the law.

Similarly, don’t buy drugs from the ‘looky looky’ men. This is a bit of a no brainer: don’t snort white powder you bought from a guy who repeats “Sexy lady, Chicken Nugget” like it’s his last day on earth. Aside from the fact that Drugs Are Bad Kids, it’s probably just some amphetamines mashed up with aspirin and the rage virus from 28 days later.

Avoid becoming as drunk as this unidentified man: (It’s Josh)

Avoid becoming as drunk as this unidentified man (It’s Josh)

5.    Climbing Infrastructure

Symptomatic of drinking too much is a primal desire to climb onto things. Every summer you hear of someone falling from a balcony in Magaluf, so make sure it’s not you this year! Make sure not to climb structures above 15 feet high, and of course, always make sure your mates are watching otherwise what the hell is the point.

Having said that, you might be alright if you had our room, which was 6 feet off the ground with a terrific view of an air cooling system.

See below for a pictorial guide to thinking you’re a lad while looking like a dickhead.

Barely 5 feet off the ground. Pathetic. Get down Patrick.

Barely 5 feet off the ground. Pathetic. Get down Patrick.

6.    The Opposite Sex

Magaluf, or ‘Shagaluf’ (heh) is renowned throughout Britain as a top ten destination for getting your end away. For the most part, this is true, unless you’re trying to pull a 25 year old nurse by blagging about being a ‘journalist’. Katie please call me.

It is also true that the ratio between men and women is extremely questionable, and past 2am it’s like going to a desperate singles night where somebody forgot to invite the women.

Stay out past 2am  and you're going home with keith from Derbyshire

Stay out past 2am and you’re going home with Keith from Derbyshire

Remember! Don’t be silly, wrap your/his willy!

A Final Note:

We wish you all the best on your lads/lass’ holidays, and despite the dangers of criminal bouncers, dodgy drinks and cancerous sun burns, stick to the Soton Tab’s fail-safe guide and you’re sure to probably not come back dead maybe. From Patrick and Josh, adiós y buena suerte.

Been to Magaluf and disagree with our guide? Let us know in the comments!

5 Comments »

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  • Conny
    avatar

    Yeah and the most important Point: Never ever go to the other side of the City, to “El Arenal”. It’s exactly the same thing, all decribed tricks fit perfectly to that place as well. Only you won’t understand a word.

    Reply

  • rdg
    avatar

    British exporting their culture… what a shame. Shame also the countries which allow that, in this case Spain.

    Reply

  • paul
    avatar

    apparently umang was SHIT at mini golf?

    Reply

  • steve
    avatar

    yeah i had that too, he’s such a div, was never gonna pull

    Reply

  • REAL TALK
    avatar

    Sound advice, very droll

    Reply