Travelling far into the dark and murky depths of South Wales the unstoppably talented and undeniably attractive Tridents continued their inevitable march to back-to-back promotion into the BUCS premiership.
Fresh from a three-hour journey in the state of the art safety bus, the Tridents emerged onto the boggy Swansea grounds accompanied by the sweet and mellow tones of Bullet for my Valentine blaring from Lloyd’s iPod, who had once again wrestled control of the iTrip much to the team’s chagrin.
After changing quickly in a shed and convincing Lloyd he shouldn’t paint the tips of his gloves black to match his painted nails, the Tridents took to the pitch.
Immediately, the experienced Tridents side set about making their presence known, fiercely contesting ground balls and hounding Swansea midfielders. Catching Swansea in the back foot Capt. Andrew Valentine score his first of five goals, charging through defenders from behind goal to fire the ball between the keeper’s legs.
Cupid later confessed he’s been aiming top left, but he forgot to take his thumb off the ball so it came out his stick funny. Possession was reasonably split throughout the quarter, but the Trident’s clinical finishers kept the scoreboard ticking over, as ferocious defense back by season MVP Chris Lee denied all attempts on goal.
He scampered about and shouted angrily about maple syrup, denouncing field hockey as “not even a real sport”, finishing the quarter 5 – 0 to the Tridents.
The second quarter made up in physicality what it lacked in goals, dispossessions and ground ball tussles were commonplace as players scrambled in the mud.
Jake Kelly, LSM specialist, set about ruining his short-poled counterparts in the midfield, blindsiding and flooring as many as three in two minutes as might a poor person drop some litter in a wealthy person’s park***.
In defence, Cam Davidson fancied a trundle from deep within the half, roll dodging two players at a time and running (?) through others. Capitalising on a chaotic midfield, Spencer Grant scored with his first face break of 2015 with a powerful shot from up high, joining Jack McClelland on the scoreboard to draw the half to a close 7 – 0.
Tridents returned to the field eager to put more goals on the scoreboard, then remembered running was hard work and decided two would do for now.
Henry Smith briefly emerged from the perma-fugue in which he dwells to skin some Swansea defenders, charging into the D to F the K in the A, and plopping the ball in the net again. It is a shame that Henry is adopted and unloved by all 9 – 0 to the complete sportsmen of Southampton.
The final quarter regained some of the earlier intensity as weariness set in on the hard working Swansea side. Brilliant linking play between attackers exposed holes in Swansea’s routing defence. A fast pass from Leander up top to a scything run through crease from Jack was the standout team goal of the quarter, combining with individual goals from capt. Valentine to close the match at 12 – 0.
To celebrate the Tridents took a leisurely stroll along Swansea’s scenic waterfront, and talked about how they loved and respected Andy Potterton.