I was literally the most depressed soul in Uni over the exam period. 3 exams, more work than I’ve ever done, and no going to Jesters. After one particularly hard day’s work I had a relapse, and did the one thing we all know should never be done: replacing dinner with a packet of chocolate digestives.
McVitie’s, the makers of digestives, have recently expanded their product range to the USA. As if they didn’t have enough problems with overweight people out there (According to the Weight-control Information Network, 68% of American citizens are obese). The biscuits have been described by the Washington Post as, “As British As Tea”. When I read this quote I truly realised the calamity this country has got itself into.
The name “digestive” was originally derived from a belief that the biscuits somehow improved our digestive systems, which is of course total bulls**t. And the company has benefited from this name ever since. I cannot recall a single time where anyone has had a bad thing to say about the product. It has become so ingrained in our cultural system that things are now just spiralling out of control.
My mate the other day said to me that “digestive culture is a subtler aspect of an eat-til-you-chunder culture, and people don’t appreciate that cumulatively it leads to a more obese and depressed society.”
If you see this man drop your digestives and RUN
Aside from the derogatory effect these biscuits are having on our health, biscuits are actually making the world a less safe place. One Father in America actually threatened his son with a meat cleaver because he accidentally burnt some biscuits. They weren’t digestives, but in some way I’m sure this point still applies.
I feel it’s very important to pick our battles wisely if we are ever to have a hope of creating real change, so attempting to ban the far more more-ish McVites Chocolate Hobnobs will have to wait for now. Combating obesity and depression is a marathon, not a sprint.
Now obviously I can’t be bothered to put a motion to Union Council because I have better things to do like passing my degree and plotting world domination, but this is a strong cultural stereotype and it seems that many of us have been ignorant of for too long. It’s time to rise up and take back our health, starting with getting SUSU to stop selling digestive biscuits. We’ll all be happier as a result. I would like to make an open request to SUSU: please can you sell humus instead. I love that stuff.
Sigh…
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I was one of the vocal opponents of the proposed lads’ mags motion, and I was also firmly behind the opposition to the Nestlé boycott, but this ‘article’ is absolutely pathetic. There’s absolutely no need to take a dig at the people who propose these motions in this way; this is not journalism, and it puts Soton Tab to shame (if anyone still has faith in it). And don’t say it isn’t a dig, because the mention of humus proves that if you know about past motions/ideas. Just get over it. Discuss the issue at hand, or leave it.
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Wasted a minute of my life.
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I think we should just ban everything from the susu shop so that we never have problems like this. We should even ban fruit because im sure that somewhere down the line the black guy who picked them didn’t get paid enough for it.
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I giggled…
However, if these do get banned from the SUSU shop, I will be shamelessly popping into Sainsbury’s for their 19p per packet ones.
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I have never read such stupid shit in my life. Quit Soton Tab.
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Health warning: irony has been detected here.
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Can we put fourth a motion to ban a sense of humour at Student Union Council as well?
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What this humus stuff? Do you mean humous. I don’t think we should ban anything. Instead let’s sell booze, and knives, and nose piercings, and daisy chains and smack and curry and shoes and ice scrapers and leg razors and books and bird cages and vhs’ and slaves and the morning after pill and coat hangars (for when the pill doesn’t work) and women, they can be sold right? Much love you friendly neighborhood troll x
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This was actually quite funny, though sadly not as amusing as reading all 195 comments on the Wessex Scene’s article about the proposed ‘Lad’s Mags’ ban.
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Maybe we should just close the shop?
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Haha didn’t realise this was actually gonna get published!! Amazing! Light-hearted article, bit of amusement/ an ironic take on a recent controversial issue, one of the things soton tab does best
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Hahaha. I was a bit wtf initially, but got the irony at the last sentence; I was at the AGM.
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Actually they were called Digestives because it was believed they aided indigestion because of their ingredients. It’s not the food that’s the problem, it’s peoples self control! Keep the Digestives and keep the name!
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