“I don’t even like Lacrosse, I just like winning” – Leigh Moody

Tridents have pulled away to a now unreachable lead in Western 1A, with a perfect 9/9 winning season, a +99 goal difference and a game in hand.

In a match experts are calling “much more pretentious than field hockey” Southampton Men’s Lacrosse showed their quality again at Wide Lane, toasting their caffè lattes before returning to their French arthouse cinema monthly review magazines.

A full strength Tridents side, minus the injured season MVP and first choice keeper Chris Lee, dominated Marjon’s from the outset, despite playing in chunky brogue chelsea boots which really were a poor choice of footwear.

Leander Crocker as always proved too much to handle on restarts, rushing up from halfway to link with man of the match Jack McClelland, who planted his feet and ripped in goal one of ten from just short of the restrainer. Captain Andrew Valentine popped two in from crease to close the quarter 3 – 1.

Valentine continued his season-long run of form, scoring a myriad of goals from close range, preferring to stay close to the goal in case he was made to run back into defence. Running is tiring, and far too mainstream. With hooking jogs from behind cage Andrew ploughed through a flaccid Marjon’s defence, who eventually realised they should try to stop him. Once they’d marked Andrew out of the game, Jack just planted his feet and smashed a few goals in from pretty much the half way line. Soz Marjon’s. Returning fire the visitors managed to best goalie and co-man of the match Viktor Morávek only twice, settling for 8 – 3 at the end of the half.

In Southampton’s defensive phases Marjon’s split their time fairly evenly between running backwards, missing shots, and managed to find time to run over occasionally by marauding long poles. Plans to keep pressure off the debutante goalie went slightly awry when Will Jones elected instead to score an own goal, spicing things up and tipping the ball into the top right of the net. His shame was compounded by having a terrible helmet and cheap shoes, both of which hand-made and bought off gumtree. Ever striving to break new ground and push the limits of his sporting career, Will proudly leads the team in own goals with a career score of two own goals, no real goals. Marjon’s chipped in with a goal of their own heading into the final quarter 9 – 5 to the Tridents.

Service resumed as usual in the final twenty minutes, Harry Kenyon gracing the scoreboard with a cheeky fast break goal, before Jack and Andrew continued their onslaught. The most impressive goal of the game, the season, and probably the entire league came from Jack in the dying seconds of the game. Pacing through Marjon’s defence high to low Jack delivered a lazer straight ball behind the back for Andrew to fake out the keeper before finishing 15 – 6 to Southampton, fuck-a-luck-a-dingdong.