1 in every 4 Southampton students is a Serial Procrastinator. It could be someone you know. It could be someone you live with. Or it could even be YOU.
The habits of the Serial Procrastinator are exhibited below. If you think you may have this condition, the only known remedy is to deactivate Facebook.
7:00AM: Hartley lovingly opens its doors, allowing its fluorescent lights to pour onto the wet ground outside. Like a true Southampton student, you were feeling optimistic so your alarm is going off. LOL. Snooze time… ten more times. Then turn off the alarm.
9:30AM: Eventually the wonderful sirens of Southampton and your neighbour’s house being robbed has brought you to the dreadful surface of reality. Better check Facebook. And the Soton Tab. Oh and maybe SUSSED. And Facebook again (something ground-breaking might have happened).
9:45AM: You roll into your lounge to find your housemates watching Jeremy Kyle. You’re secretly gutted you missed the start of it, but it’s okay – that’s what ITVplayer is for.
You interrupt the screaming pregnant, creepily tanned girl yelling on screen to depict your monologue of how tragic your life is, how the heavens are against you and how you have SO much work to do.
You end with the dramatic description of how you’re going to spend ALL DAY LOCKED in the library, slaving over your notes and avoiding all contact with the outside world, and storm off into the distant land of the kitchen to prepare your daily rations.
10:30AM Wow! All that ranting was tiring… definitely need a SUSU cooked breakfast now, and a little coffee downtime with
12:00PM After spending 2 hours perfecting your seemingly effortless, cosy yet ‘appropriately studious’ library outfit (who knows, you might be spotted), you venture sleepy-eyed into the great outdoors and arrive an hour late to that breakfast you arranged.
Once again you use that excuse. Exam stress (works like a charm).
You’ve missed breakfast by this time, but it’s okay because curly fries are on the menu – ULTIMATE brain food.
1:00PM Finally, you reach the destination that every student with exams dreads and loathes – Hartley Library. You instantly see five people you know looking stressed, gossiping in the foyer. You can pull that look off too, so you join them to see what ‘important exam tips’ you might be missing.
1:45PM You manage to find a seat amongst the chaos (where did all these people come from?!); sadly all the plug sockets are being used. You contemplate starting a fight to get yourself one, but think better of it.
2:15PM Whoops, seem to have spent half an hour on Facebook. Looks like your friends are going to Jesters, but there is NO WAY you can join them because you MUST do your work… You pull sad faces at your phone for a while and feel hard done by.
2:25PM All that work was extremely tiring! But luckily you’ve got yourself a plug socket! Your friend sends you this . but you can’t believe the way some people procrastinate their lives away.
You’re so hard working in comparison – you are in the library after all – so you feel good about yourself for a while. Although, it did remind you to water your cactus…
3:00PM Really should get off Facebook…
3:02PM LOL have you looked at Twitter?! #Scandalous
3:15PM Begin work…
3:18PM Facebook check.
3:20PM BREAKING: SOTON TAB ARTICLE! Must inform EVERYONE!
3:30PM You really need some books for this essay… You take the scenic route to see if you walk past anyone you know. That, and you’re not entirely sure where your books are, regretting that you skipped that library tour in Freshers week.
3:45PM Bump into that really annoying girl on your course who always seems to be doing work or talking about how little work she has done. You nod along to her questions on how your revision is going and endure a whole conversation of not having a clue what she was talking about… But it’s okay, you have your books, you’ll know soon.
3:50PM It seems that girl has given you ‘the fear’ so obviously you now have to message your friend to inform them and let them know that you are actually going to do work now.
3:59PM Update Facebook status.
4:15PM Soooo many likes on your status. You are HILARIOUS!
4:20PM Stumble upon Reddit…
4:30PM Reading lecture notes from after week 1. When the hell did all this happen? Check Facebook to make sure the world hasn’t ended, and remind yourself that there is life outside of the library…
5:00PM Work makes you hungry. So you arrange a cheeky pizza in the Stags with some friends who are also ‘hard working students’ like yourself. ONE HOUR MAX! Then the hardcore revision will commence. You’re prepping for an all-nighter, if you can find your way to the Murray Building…
5:15PM There’s a pizza AND a pint deal…. you weren’t going to drink….. but it would be rude and economically inefficient not to…
6:00PM You convince your friends that one more drink will help you settle down to work and kill the stress.
7:30PM You are drunk. How the hell did this happen?! But you’re still totally set, telling everyone you talk to you’re heading back to your one true love, Hartley, in five minutes because you’ve got exams.
8:30PM You make a stumbled exit out of Stags, bidding emotional farewells to your friends wishing you could stay out, but you just can’t. Life is so unfair.
8:40PM You’re laughing at your textbook – people are staring but it feels productive. You see someone across the room on Facebook and are disgusted at their wasting precious space in Hartley with such unnecessary rubbish. You are a library God(dess).
9:00PM After more laughing at textbooks (the pictures weren’t this funny earlier?) you check Facebook.
One billion text messages giving you logical, legit and totally justifiable reasons on why you HAVE to come to Jesters. You ignore them. You’re better than this.
9:03PM Can’t… concentrate…
9:07PM You can feel that feeling boiling up inside of you. It’s going to be SUCH a good night , and you have worked hard today…people are saying it will be the biggest night of the year. But exams are next week. You must restrain yourself.
9:10PM That’s it. You’ve decided. You’ve worked hard enough. You’re going. It’s your destiny.
7:00AM There goes your phone alarm. Banging headache. Where even are you? What happened last night? You just went for a civilised pizza, right? Why are you wearing a caveman costume?