I asked you for your questions, and you’ve certainly delivered!  A lot of the questions seemed to relate to Jesters, so I thought I’d pick the most in need of our help for this special “Mini Jesters” edition of Dear Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

I was caught wanking on the Jesters dance floor and I feel like my loneliness has hit an all time low, how do I move on from this?

 From Dave*

Dear Dave,

Firstly, I want you to know you’re not alone. Although this isn’t the most common question I get asked, my sources tell me you’re not the first, and you probably won’t be the last.

My advice to you is to seek counseling.  You’ve taken a great first step by contacting The Tab, but our guidance can only go so far. Talking to a trained professional might help you get to the bottom of the reasons that you feel so alone. They may also help you discover what it was about Jesters that made you want to have a sneaky one on the side, establishing whether it was the smell, the vomit stains or the Baywatch theme tune.

If you don’t want to talk to someone one-to-one you could try group sessions, which might help you feel less alone as you’ll see you’re not the only person in this situation.

Hope this helps, Michelle x


Dear Michelle,

Last week, my boyfriend and I had sex next to the DJ booth on Jesters dance floor. I hurt down there, and my boyfriend is starting to get boils. I’m scared we’ve contracted some kind of STI! Help!!

 From Alice, 1st year.

Dear Alice,

Did you not take on board the warnings people give you when stumbling down vomit hill? The sticky floors aren’t just from the drinks you know… I’ve heard many tales of the goings on, on the Jesters dance floor in my time…

I recommend you head straight to a Contraception and Sexual Health (CASH) clinic. They will be able to test you for all of the possibilities and treat you quickly. The quicker you get it sorted, the less damage will be done.  If you can get there, the Royal South Hants Hospital has walk in sessions on Monday, Tuesday and Friday between 8:30AM and 11:00AM.  Alternatively, you could visit your doctor, but it is always recommend to go to a clinic as they can give you specialist advice.

In future I’d recommend to all our readers to avoid having sex in Jesters… I’ve heard rumors of a hybrid STI circulating.

All the best, Michelle x

*Name changed on request.


Is there anything you want to ask Michelle to help you with? Email and she might just be able to help.


Leave your response!

  • Jack and Jim

    Good advice, excellent article Michelle. I’m sure you’ll be a great author of this column.


  • The Fapster

    We’ve had Michelle’s excellent debut – when will the next one follow? I have a problem she is no doubt capable of answering. Is the step up to group masturbation one step too far? I’m concerned my housemates and I will find it awkward afterwards.


  • Concerned bystander

    still love this. need more Dando