Yes, we’re going there. We’re biting the bullet and shamelessly chatting about Tinder. We’re flying the flag of Tinder appreciation, not afraid to admit that despite its questionably blunt sexual connotations it brings about much hilarity, boasting a plethora of photos of fitties with their abs out and giving you the chance to connect with and perhaps even date people outside your usual social circle.
For any of you that are behind the times in the app dating world (where’ve you been hiding? Under a rock?) Here’s a brief synopsis. Tinder has a reputation for being a rather provocative dating app, whereby you are shown Facebook profile pictures of people that fit the age range and sex of your choice in close proximity to you, before swiping left if you’re not interested or right if you like the look of them. If they also swipe right, then voilà you’re a match and the chat begins.
It may all seem very simple to the untrained eye, but if you want to make it to the match stage you first have to battle against harsh, instantaneous judgments based on your photos and profile. This is a brutal game my friends; there are no second chances. It’s almost as cut-throat as Eddard Stark’s death in G.O.T., but not quite…
So without further ado, here are the Tab’s top ten Tinder observations that we all know to be true.
- If someone’s profile picture is a group photo we assume that they’re the ugly friend. We know we’re harsh but this ploy is a common red herring. Group photos are essential in giving off the impression that you have friends and are not a sociopath, so by all means stick a couple in a few photos along, but don’t try to lure us in with the promise of your better looking friend – we’ll only be disappointed.
- Opens convo with “What are you looking for on tinder?” without bothering to say hello, A.K.A. wants the V. (or the D.) and ONLY the V. (or the D.). You have two options here: a) Abort mission b) Waste their time with completely non-sexual,witty replies.
- They are wearing sunglasses in more than one photo. Suspicious… they’re trying too hard to look cool, or are hiding something. Watch out for these ones.
- They have a skiing photo. Wow, what a rarity, we don’t see a lot of those on tinder. A skiing photo means they’re really original and don’t conform to Tinder stereotypes. It also means that they are trying to give the overall impression that they’re a daring, sporty megababe… who’s rich enough to go skiing. Meh.
- They have an exotic travelling photo, typically riding an elephant or a camel. This means they’re trying hard to look both edgy and cultured. These pics can be a good conversation starter, and provide much entertainment in terms of sexual innuendos, i.e. “nice humps”, “What a large trunk”…you get the picture.
- When someone’s profile photo is really dark and we can only partially see their face, our immediate thought is that they have a sex den and we fear for our lives.
- Profile photos flaunting toned abs on the beach. Okay, we won’t lie- we appreciate the eye candy. We’re sucked in by the muscles and buff bod until we become plagued by the thought that the fitty in question is a player and an egotist. A swipe right is possible if we’re willing to take that risk, cheeky.
- When there’s no description of the individual in question on their profile and they tease you with one attractive photo. Why are you trying to be all elusive? We need something to judge you by. Give us something to work with here!
- Mutual friends/mutual interests. Yes, we’re intrigued by what we have in common, even if it is a cringe worthy Facebook group that we liked back in the day. Dressing up as a seagull and stealing people’s chips? Did we REALLY like that? But have no fear… our potential match did too. In terms of mutual friends we will judge you based on that friend. Close friend of ours? Great! But if it’s that weirdo that we have on Facebook and never really chat to… NAH.
- Glorious number ten. So many dick pics. For a good long while we struggled to understand how an app that takes your profile photo from Facebook is so ridden with pics of peens. We thought… surely not. Then we discovered the “upload a photo” control and wisened up. Anyhow, it is not and never has been okay to use a photo of your nether regions as a mating-call. Did we ask to get an eyeful of your erect penis in some below par slightly greying Calvin Kleins? Nope. Is this gonna get you laid? Nope. It may get you a right swipe, granted, but this will inevitably be when we’re tipsy and looking to terrorize you with a group of our friends.
Have you noticed any other typical tinder behaviours that should have made it into this article? Let us know in the comments below. And in the event that you use Tinder to share more than a conversation, stay safe chaps.