Keen for some lax and some #banterwiththelads the Southampton Sabres Lacrosse (for that douchebag who keeps asking what sport this is on the match reports) stormed onto the field with arguably their strongest side in recent years, and set themselves to making themselves known in SEMLA West One again.

Jake Kelly (far left), recently single and keen for the rebound, prepares to snatch another ball from Bournemouth

Leander Crocker started out on face winning possession after a tussle on the floor, a recurring theme in the match, and shipped off to the attacking line. Pressuring early on in the first quarter, Southampton had four shots on goal in the opening minutes before slotting it home top right, Jack McIllend’s first of seven goals. Celebrations ensued.

Defence were having a chilled one throughout, and were somewhat peeved when Bournemouth returned fired, equalising around the 10-minute mark, “But to be fair Lloyd Ellis has a cold”, whatever. A goal apiece became two goals apiece in much the same manner, and the quarter closed out two all.

Rallying to the call of “boizz itz nil nil this quarter yeah?”, the Sabres came blazing back onto the field, riled up when they remembered CJ was taking photographs of them this game. Seeking the much sought after photo at the top of the article, Southampton’s attack whipped the ball around cage in a frenzy, causing enough confusion for several players to get on the board.

Veteran Jedi struck gold, along with Alex Hamilton – I know, I can’t believe it either. Determined to score a mention in the match report, and impress the handsomest defender on the pitch, debutant Cam Davidson put himself about, being all up in all the grills, all the time.

Fellow cherry popper, and Man of the Match, Bradley Wallis stepped up, hoovering up ground balls and clearing well, allowing Jack to score again in transition, with John Martin also getting a goal after performing some sort of dodge . All this despite Brad having literally the shittest lid ever.

The Veteran defenders Will and Lloyd were too busy to notice, busy reveling in the fact that they’d both knocked a few people over and managed to successfully assist in several goals.  Dominant all quarter, Southampton finished the half in possession after a six goal onslaught, closing the half 8–2 to the Sabres.

Third quarter nothing really happened. A few goals went either way but it’s important to remember that it was probably the attack’s fault, and also Will #rekt some guy on crease so it’s pretty much 108–2 to Southampton at this point. In the real world however, there were in fact two goals scored each- 10–4 to the best sports club ever. Also Bournemouth put their goalie into attack, wut?

Pressure in Defence keeps Bournemouth on the back foot

Closing the match with a number of goals equal to that of the maximum Lego brick capacity of a Solent Students bum is never far from the collective minds of Southampton Lacrosse, and with that in mind the Sabres ploughed ahead. Utilizing their strength in depth throughout the game, Southampton ran rings around a tired Bournemouth side.

Jack, incontent with his tan, decided to work on it mid-game, facing the sun away from cage. Ever the professional he still managed to score over the head from this position, much to Bournemouth’s chagrin. Ross Worsley, late of Bristol, slammed home his third goal following a nimble dodge and a cheeky step.

Late in the game Bournemouth had (understandably) enough of that cheeky Cam jogging (sprinting?), open-mouthed out of defence, opting to perform quite literally the worst foul I’ve ever seen and get sent off for the remainder of the game. Bournemouth please don’t be jel, be reem.

The final whistle blew, cutting the game off at 14 -5 to the Sabres, who ceased to snap necks, and instead headed off to the bank to cash all those cheques. Jack led in goals with seven to his name, followed by Ross on three, Jon with two and Andy and Jedi both on one.

Will Men’s Lacrosse uphold this winning start to the season or was the Bournemouth game just a one off? Give us your thoughts in the comments below!


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  • Indecisive

    I’m trying to decide if this is the best or the worst match report I’ve ever read.


  • Cricket lad

    Dreadful chat – this is probably why nobody cares about lacrosse