After the disappointment of the Italy match on Saturday the Soton Tab are once again here to put a smile on your face with our unique commentary, even if the match isn’t able to. Whether you’re watching the game or not, keep an eye on our blog as we post things you won’t read anywhere else. Get involved in the comments, think positive thoughts and cheer on England with us!
Tab now out.
They’re running a commercial for Head and Shoulders with Joe Hart. Right now, that’s convincing me to buy Loreal.
Thanks for reading everybody, might see you on Tuesday.
Right, I have nothing else to say. Let’s wrap this night up and cry ourselves to sleep.
If Italy win their next two games and we beat Costa Rica then WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On the plus side my sister’s boyfriend had a bet on Uruguay to win 2-1 with Suarez to score.
Full time: Uruguay 2:1 England.
Let’s lynch Suarez.
So we lost 2-1.
England have never lost their opening two games at a world cup tournament.
Amazed that’s true.
5 minutes injury time. Anything is possible.
OH HE WAS OFFSIDE AS WELL.
2-1 Uruguay. Brace for Suarez. Fuck it.
Trust Lucy to talk about how tight the Uruguay shirts are. Incorrigible, that girl. Especially if your name’s James Dennison.
The Uruguay shirts are VERY tight.
10 minutes left, come on boys.
A foul throw from Johnson, come on man.
I take it back, I’m English again.
IT IS ALL ENGLAND NOW.
Rooney has moved into the top 4 all time goal scorers for England.
FIFTEEN MINUTES FOR US TO COME BACK AND SAVE THIS
ROONEY SCORES FROM (and I cannot believe I’m typing this) A DECENT GLEN JOHNSON CROSS.
Let’s all turn Scottish and support Murray next week instead.
Godin gives away another free kick. What does he have to do to get sent off?!
England have better possession, passes and accuracy rates. Shame it’s only one stat that really matters.
I don’t care anymore. I’ve always thought table tennis was a better sport anyway.
Lallana on for Welbeck. Whoop come on Southampton!!!
Sterling exiting for Barkley. Sturridge turns his man but his final ball isn’t great. Story of the night so far for England
Loved how Sterling rubbed his knee after knocking Perreira out cold.
Sterling off for Barkley. I’d have taken Rooney off personally.
Ross Barkley coming on for England. Perreira receiving treatment for a big knock to the head, accidentally, from Sterling
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What a fantastic ball from Leighton Baines. Welbeck is so so close to getting to it but he can’t just get there, colliding with the keeper in the process, who appears to be hurt but in reality he’s absolutely fine.
I am so enraged.
My Mother has taken to SCREAMING.
AND ROONEY MISSES ANOTHER GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY. Fires straight at the keeper from 8 yards.
How Glen Johnson earns money from playing football is beyond me.
Because we really needed that goal line technology then.
I don’t know what was said at half-time but it’s not working. Uruguay threatening from corners
No changes for either side. COME. ON. ENGLAND.
Aaand we’re back.
Godin should be off. Rooney should have scored. Suarez should have been marked. Rooney, Gerrard and Henderson all AWOL. First half in a nutshell
Half time. We’re 1-0 down to Uruguay. Tab out.
There are paraplegics that take better corners than England. I’d put your cat in the team over sodding Henderson right now.
My cat takes better corners than England
At least Baines is taking them now.
At least we’ve had three corners in a row.
And no shots.
This is woeful.
In fairness it’s a cracking ball from Cavani
Don’t know what happened to the English defence there but Suarez has just buried a header into the back of the net. That was absolutely shocking from England
Fuck this. Fuck you Suarez. Fuck being an England fan. Fuck everything. I hate this. Fuck.
Not sure what you’re watching? Our very own Benny wrote this to explain quite how it’s done. Enjoy.
Speculative shot from Sturridge. Not going to validate it with a description. Very average.
Ref having a bad 5 minutes here. Gives a foul against Gerrard when he was fouled and then pulls up Baines for absolutely nothing. Sort it out mate
What I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted by an English chance is that Cavani has very pretty cheekbones.
On closer inspection, Rooney HAS to bury that. Poor header.
What a ball from Gerrard from the free kick. AND WAYNE ROONEY HITS THE BAR. Typical. Will he ever score in a World Cup?
Interesting fact – Edinson Cavani was supposed to be named after Thomas Edison, but they made a mistake at the registry office, and they just quite liked Edinson.
ROONEY HITS THE BAR FROM A FAR POST HEADER.
Ref has bottled it. Clear Godin bodycheck on Sturridge. Ref gives a foul but he really should be getting a second yellow for that.
Another dubious delivery from Gerrard. We need Baines taking these damn things.
Diego Godin fouls Rooney spectacularly.
SEND HIM OFF REF. That should be a second yellow for Godin.
Suarez trying everything from the corners. Low corner out to Cavani, flies over.
I’m getting quite nervous here.
A Uruguay free kick is claimed by Hart as Uruguay pressure builds. They win a corner and Cavani hits narrowly over.
This is turning into a tight midfield battle. Which is football language for a really boring game. Neither side are looking to commit too many players forward. Hopefully that will change soon
Everyone here hoping that Suarez bites someone again so he gets sent off.
Corners that don’t beat the first man really are one of my pet peeves. Awful corner from Gerrard
Uruguay on the counter.
Poor corner from Gerrard, doesn’t make it past the first man.
First corner of the game for England. Jagielka and Cahill up for it
Corner to England. Good play around the box. HERE WE GO.
First real moment of danger, Christian Rodriguez with a free shot from the corner of the area. Just over the bar. The sound of thousands of rectums unclenching is heard across the nation. Shoddy marking there.
ITV just gave us the statistic that Phil Jagielka has played five times against Luis Suarez, and he’s scored in four of those games.
Staying optimistic, I swear. Ruh roh.
Wayne Rooney hits it just wide of the post. Lord almighty. Obligatory close ups of fans dressed as knights. Least the England band didn’t make it out there.
Yellow for Godin for handball. Going to be a long night for him. Big opportunity for England
Joe Hart certainly not standing head and shoulders above the rest. England win a dangerous free kick after a Godin handball. Good position, and we’ve got some guys that can hit these.
Joe Hart looking flaky. Unlike his hair
Suarez goes for goal with the corner, almost catches Hart out. Second corner. Hart punches unconvincingly, Cavani offside. Uh oh.
Uruguay get the first corner of the match. Curse of the commentator.
England already looking strong.
HERE WE GO
England have played Uruguay 10 times in the past, they have won 3 times, drawn 3 times and lost 4 times. Both of the times they have met them in World Cup they have lost.
My Mum saw I had the football on and left the room, muttering something about it being her birthday. Did not accept the response that dammit, your birthday is every year, England only play in a World Cup every four!
My Mum is standing up for the national anthem.
I really like the Uruguayan national anthem. It inspires hope with happiness while simultaneously keeping flautists employed.
Players are walking out past the Brazuca ball. I really like the Brazuca ball actually, seems a lot better than the 2010 World Cup Ball. That was atrocious.
National anthems are about to begin.
“Only an amputation would have kept him [Suarez] out of this one”.
It can be arranged.
Lineups: Uruguay: Muslera, Gimenez, Godin, Caceres, Pereira, Lodeiro, Gonzalez, Arevalo Rios, Rodriguez, Cavani, Suarez. Subs: Munoz, Fucile, Gargano, Hernandez, Forlan, Stuani, Perez, Ramirez, Coates, Maxi Pereira, Silva.
England: Hart; Johnson, Cahill, Jagielka, Baines; Gerrard, Henderson; Sterling, Rooney, Welbeck; Sturridge
Rooney’s in the hole! Will he actually make the difference tonight, or will it be the Luis Suarez show?
If England win I’ll dress my penis up as Adrian Chiles and post it here. Felt tips at the ready chaps.
Tab in. Welcome to Uruguay v England.
Andros Townsend is a pundit now apparently. I don’t like it. He’s not very good.